Falling, failing

I have fallen. I can't remember why I signed up to have a trainer and someone advice me now what to eat. I don't remember why I thought I could do this. What was I thinking? Why can't I be happy here in this place? Happy here in the 200's. Why do I beat myself up for eating poorly and not working out yet not really celebrate the days I go to the gym? I will tell you I ate this and that and I went to the gym and you will praise me but I don't find me saying to myself good job, you got this. Certainly not as loudly as the voices in my head tell me what a failure I am when I don't eat well or work out. Why is that? Here I am exhausted. Worried. Stressed out and the answer is not to take care of myself not it's eat some cookies. Have a bed snack. Skip the gym. WTF? Now my summer vacation is about to be over and where am I? Beating myself up for not going to the gym every.damn.day. All I have are excuse. I am having such a hard time breaking this cycle. I am about to start a new job. A new schedule. The boys will be back in school and how am I gonna fit working out in then? I will have even MORE excuses. My indigestion is back in full force. No matter what I eat. I gotta sit here and figure this out. I gotta make these changes. I have slipped into a depression worrying about the boys and things they have going on. I am 45 years old and this area of my life I just can't seem to get right. I just can't seem to get it under control.

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