So Here's The Thing

I have fallen. I can't remember why I signed up to have a trainer and someone advice me now what to eat. I don't remember why I thought I could do this. What was I thinking? Why can't I be happy here in this place? Happy here in the 200's. Why do I beat myself up for eating poorly and not working out yet not really celebrate the days I go to the gym? I will tell you I ate this and that and I went to the gym and you will praise me but I don't find me saying to myself good job, you got this. Certainly not as loudly as the voices in my head tell me what a failure I am when I don't eat well or work out. Why is that? Here I am exhausted. Worried. Stressed out and the answer is not to take care of myself not it's eat some cookies. Have a bed snack. Skip the gym. WTF? Now my summer vacation is about to be over and where am I? Beating myself up for not going to the gym every.damn.day. All I have are excuse. I am having such a hard time breaking this cycle

I worked out 6 days in a row. I logged everything I ate. EVERYTHING. I watched my carbs and my protein. And I gained 2 pounds. Now lets take a moment and remember this was not about dropping pounds, this was about being healthy. I feel better. I feel great. No heart burn. I am sleeping well. I think my allergies might even be better. I am sticking to it. So my trainer has me adjusting my intake a bit upping it and really following her recommendations for a full 5 days. So we will see what happens next week.

If it's not logged it does not go into my mouth. My body and health are my hobby. When I look at like that it makes perfect sense. I swam for 20 min last night at the pool at 8 o clock. Who am I?

Why does it seem that getting control of one area of my life sends everything else to fall all apart? I am counting calories, working out and I am exhausted. Apparently I am the only one that does anything and when I am not doing something nothing gets done. So the house is a mess after I spent a decent amount of my break cleaning it up. So here I am back to work after spring break and the house is toast. Thanks. The winds make me grumpy. I am agitated. Like a caged animal. Pacing. Pacing. I want progress. I want things happening. My job things is all messed up. No contract. String me along. I don't like it. I want to be in a place. Settled. So does that mean I don't work well flying by the seat of my pants? Well I have been flying like this since January so clearly I have proven myself. I like where I am but so help me if I had a place to bounce I would. Or would I ? I just want/need to feel I don't know something. n

This is my motivation. I do not like swim suits like this and often this is what I have to pick from. I have had cute suit in the past and I want to have cute ones in the future. Not suits like this.

Today I cannot stop eating. I want food. I keep thinking about food. More food. Where is the food. Spinach salad for lunch almonds for a snack. Eat! Fed me. Chew that gum. Drink that water. Walk around. I could NOT be trusted with Easter candy for the boys while I was in Target. Think I might not even buy them any. I am not strong enough to NOT eat it....yet.